As is the case for most people, when something happens very unexpectedly, I had to survive the shock waves that hit me when I looked at that weird little pregnancy home test stick, and saw that I was pregnant. I know I am not alone in this, I mean, I am definitely not the only one in the world to end up with an unplanned pregnancy.
By the end of April 2015, I knew I was pregnant. I had been tracking my Basal Body Temp for several months and was doing my best to keep track of everything very carefully. So I knew something was up when I got to day 33 and I still hadn’t had my visitor. I had this half sick feeling in my gut and, even though I kept hoping that I was wrong, I knew that my feeling was right. So I took the pregnancy test, and waited the longest and shortest 3 minutes of my life to see the result, POSITIVE, just like I had thought. It was right there that the shock, fear and panic set in very strongly. But I had no time to just sit and take it in, we were scheduled to leave early the next morning for a quick trip to Slovakia, and I still had to pack and prepare. The drive from Schorndorf, Germany to Komárno, Slovakia takes between 8-9 hours normally, so I had plenty of time to do my thinking, but, since we were traveling with other people, I could neither speak about my thoughts and feelings with my husband, nor show my feelings on my face without someone asking if I was ok. So it was completely an inward “battle”.
Some of you reading this will be saying, “What’s the problem? You should have just embraced it and been excited.” So to answer that I will tell you a little background so that you can maybe sympathize with my struggle more.
I am an American, living in Germany, and my husband is a pastor in a church made up mostly of Czech immigrants (that have been living in Germany for 40-50 years). German culture is VERY different compared to American culture, the language is a huge issue, and, when you are surrounded mostly by older people who don’t understand you or your ways, it can be a little difficult. I was in the process of studying for my Deutsch B1 Language Certificate and was under immense stress on all sides. So, when I saw that positive pregnancy test, I pretty much felt as though the whole world was against me and wanted to see me dead. I honestly didn’t know if I could handle another thing added to my already full plate. So it was a struggle that I had to face.
Of course, abortion was never an option, so I knew that I just needed to come to terms with this new idea and the sooner the better!! I have always believed that a baby can sense things from the womb and I put the pressure on myself to get to the point where I fully accepted this baby so that it wouldn’t feel rejection from its mother.
Then came the day that I saw the little heart beating inside my womb, and while it didn’t make the struggle go completely away, I all the sudden started to feel this weird emotion similar to love for this little life that was growing inside me. This little child that is a symbol of my husband and my love for each other. This is the fruit of our love! No it isn’t easy, and there is no promise of it getting easier (only the almost certainty that it will get harder), but God has blessed me with a great opportunity and I look forward to it with both anticipation and fear. To say it isn’t a challenge would be telling a lie, but I will say that as the time goes by I realize more and more what a privilege it is to be a mother.